It’s beginning to look a lot
Like someone forgot
To stop the clock at midnight
And the night kept going
Showing off to the sun
That the clouds are stronger
The shadows they cast
Hover for longer
Somber are the lights
On empty balconies
The whiteness only silence
Of the carols left hanging
Lightning as the only
Christmas ribbon on the tree
Lighting fireflies on the leaves
Faces in the rising smoke
Soak in the last breath
Of a year long fight
The last bell chime
Of those we’ve left behind
The dark magic of consciousness
Was a successful mistake
No errors in the code
All the witches’ chants ideal
No time, present or future
Just us in the center of it all
The candles were lit
The cauldron was filled
A mind, a soul
A body, a heart
We were walking worms once
But something sparked
And the magic started
And the fire ignited
Something giving light to the world
As if all the senses obscured
Were born from nothing
The big bang of self
I taste the whisky on the rocks
I can talk to the bartender
I can feel the stool under my scarred body
I can feel
The path up until now
Is blurred with magical runes
Something from nothing
And nothing again
Every memory is so vivid
Every possibility graspable
The names of “things”
Those things of understandable
I can feel
But how to know
Awareness is only there
When you are aware of it
How to know you know
I can feel the stool
But maybe I’m sitting on air
I can drink and drink
But maybe I’m drunk with emptiness
I can talk endlessly
Making up rhetorical questions
And the bartender only bored
From the meaninglessness of it all
Or maybe worse
He isn’t there
Maybe something made up
Like the words on this page
Like the pixels on the computer
You yourself reader
Just a fragment of a dream
Or maybe the fragment is me
I can feel
I don’t know if you can
But I know I can
Maybe thought came first
And maybe life second
But I know I can feel
I can feel
The grief and loss
I can feel
The warmth of a blanket
I can feel
The pesky sunlight
Waking me every morning
I can feel myself as one
Inside a big room
Painted with stars on the ceiling
Windows with skyscrapers
And rugged floors of grass and meadows
Not many but I can feel
And you might too
All around us there are bits
Of nothing but fragments
Whatever it is
Whenever it is
Wherever it is
We can feel it
Atop the sky
The man of the North looks East
Then South then West
And he spots a tree
Engraved with chaos
Leaves of red and blood
People throw food at it
Stare at it, pray to it
Seen once by everyone
Often visited by only the fool
Sorting out the rot from the ripe
Picking the fruit no man saw
The weathered peaches
Lying to their face
The inciting apples
Bloated with rotten rage
But the tastiest is hidden
Painted with a flower
Talked only to the fool
And entered only
Through open doors
And the man of the North laughed
knowing the poor man’s luck
Under the moonlight, beaming,
as the dawn lays in its sleep.
Bedsheets with ashes teeming
where broken dreams left to reap.
The frosty winds lay still
inside the empty cluttered room.
The time bombs ticking ‘till
a sudden sound of a silent boom,
yet the flame holds onto
the clock’s hands and legs
it stops those stubborn two
and kneels and begs
The smoke of burning blood
scares away the god of dreams
The shadows start to flood
this body’s etched seams
Screams from inside the walls
keep watery eyes restless.
The only ceiling light falls.
Chains of rage senseless
in the executioner’s bed
with no light but the burning steel.
Resentment and sorrow have led
to this, no tears, just burns to feel.
Firebrands engraved in my chest,
nightmares of fire in my head,
every single night with no rest
from the reminder of the dead
A marathon is 26 miles
running half of that shouldn’t take long
The first mile of 13
Filled with long seconds
4 minutes per mile
to end it in less than an hour
the training during study days
each routine planned for the week
months weren’t enough
The human body can survive 3 weeks without food
3 days without water
3 minutes without air
So as you enter the second mile,
breath
you’d be dead if you didn’t
count each breath as it were your last
don’t let an anxious heart fasten your pace
10 beats every 6 seconds
10 times you are reminded your heart
is still with you
count to 6
if your scars itch at night
count chocolate wrappers
make it sweet
ones and zeroes can’t hurt you
so keep running
and turn them into
non-binary digits
the third, the eight, the fifth
the middle miles are mindless
Your tired mind turns to a toddler
It took you years to walk
and it takes more
to run
Forget seconds, minutes or hours
miles are long
taking up space, present and future
years past hurt kilotons
no matter how many times you recount them
numbers flow in the river of asphalt
in front of you
keep running
and Count the steps
the track isn’t going anywhere
and
you can’t change the end
afraid of the ending stretch
or bearing a big number, still
Make every step count
Sick of digging for scraps Reaching the empty bag Finding myself at the bottom for the last time No more eating dog food On the silver platter And now there's only way to reclaim what's mine The silverware rusted The door hinges busted A chained beast who only eats before bedtime The battered prison bars Are growing weaker But I will not wait in your room with quiet time No more shushing my screams You are ripping at the seams The smiling face masking your pain won't hide this crime I will tug till it breaks That is all that it takes No locked door can keep up the act of your fake shine Just try another rhyme Wait for the bell to chime But what you want is for this to be the last time
The fantasy of our existence might go beyond our comprehension as a species, all alone amidst millions of stars, only those of we can see. How selfish is it for us to think we are the only superior minds of the universe? Or how foolish is it to think there are others who have walked our same path? We are a pollen particle resting on the surface of Mars with just a small chance to grow something bigger than ourselves. Only if.
The words existential anxiety are not foreign to me and I was an outsider for fearing these questions or asking about the beyond, almost like it was a secret that everyone kept, a tru Fight Club situation. I have watched exurb1a channel’s for a while and it has brought me a sort of relief to these dreaded ideas, like it was not wrong to imagine the answers beyond that only add more questions. I appreciate his ideas and hopefully you can also find some existential relief listening to the hypothetical voice of those waiting for us beyond.
The water is cold
jet streams of submarine
volcanoes are the only thing warm
down here
In the deep darkness
even burning death has some Light
Drowning does not
Words are swallowed by the empty sound
of the glaring precipice
hope is left pitying from above
existence prevails but not Life
Light here is but a lure
a fishing net for lonesome corpses
organic material
with the wish to dissolve
Feed the abyss
the last ledge
was 10,000 leagues above
no way to get to it
swimming is easier than sinking
but Scarier
dumping this vat of nuclear waste of self
where no current can reach it
that is much Safer
no way to be cleaned
no will for it either
the burning core below would
end this Descent
reaching a Dazzling explosion
the pressure breaking the
Impenetrable walls of this vessel
flooding the still-empty pores
Of the stowaway inside
where little spheres of thoughts remain
No use for them at the bottom
they will be stripped from the corpse
They can have a chance to get out
somewhere new
someone else
my last breath will climb the darkness
knowing it can float
leaving this corpse alone
Hoping
To see the horizon
and climb even more
Oh, what a day No sun and no rain, no busy people along the way The park is lonely the swings are empty the grass is thirsty the rusty decor on the fence is familiar opened gate and its ominous creaking Whistling of leaves sing with tired breath Sad eyes tracing the ground, seeking find a pedestal with a reek of death Behind a pair of eyes peaking Footsteps squeaking Time is ticking hush Careful steps approach the crouched frame The absent light unable to reveal the figure buried under the trunk's shade Only hint to its prescence here Were shoeless feet covered in dirt Curiosity drawing it near showed a flustered face filled with fear No chance to flee No escaping from me No getting away From your anxiety What a perfect time To find hopeless prey What a petty state A suicidal stray Oh, what a day! To meet up with you and play
The words anxiety and depression ring differently to some people. There is nothing wrong about that but it will always be a secret battle that many people fight every day. Regardless of the circumstances, people will experience pain. Some people choose to show it and some don’t. Is there something wrong with showing it when there is always someone with snap judgement?
With today’s dynamics with entertainment, we are more emotionally invested than ever in strangers who appear in movies or YouTube videos. Many creators look for outlets to open up their emotions and this has normalized the concept of mental health. Additionally, they have opened up a conversation that few people were comfortable having before about the daily struggles and pain that many people have to bear. I can write a blog post about my problems with mental health and still be considered a functional part of society. Although, not inside the workplace. After so many years of exposure to disorders and debunking of myths, why is it that a company would rather hire someone with no history of mental health issues? If you have a mental illness, are you completely inadequate for today’s high-pressure work environment?
We have to thank Twitter, YouTube, Talk Shows, and other platforms for creating a space for people from all backgrounds to open up about their mental health issues. Not only are there people talking about their stories with mental health but many public advocates are trying to promote the concept of taking care of your mental health just as much as your physical health. Celebrities like Dwayne Johnson, Katy Perry, and Kristen Bell have talked about their struggles with depression and similar problems. There are thousands of videos and Ted talks bringing light to a variety of mental disorders.
The information is within reach and there are examples of people becoming successful while struggling with a mental illness. Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson had to save his mother from committing suicide at the age of 15, grow up with depression, and still become the best-paid actor in Hollywood! Yet, the “invisible job barrier” still exists.
The New Zealand media website Stuff wrote an article on the “Invisible job barrier: how mental illness makes it harder to get work”. You can read on the struggles that Richard Stephens had to go through to get a job. He had two degrees and experience in policy work, but his bipolar disorder and chronic anxiety kept him from getting a job for more than four years. Richard explained how he had to answer long questions regarding his mental health only to get a “phone call shortly after to say [he] wouldn’t fit in the office environment”. There it’s also mentioned how “29 percent of respondents agreed with the decision to hire a less experienced candidate who had no experience of mental illness, rather than someone who had more experience but had battled a mental illness.” Every country has their own perspective on mental health initiatives, and the numbers might look better or worse depending on where you are from. The case of Richard Stephens happened in New Zealand but the stigma exists globally.
Personally, I have seen how this plays out. I have struggled with depression and anxiety disorders for quite some time. While I was working in Philadelphia as an engineer in training, I was going through a tough time and I was not taking care of my mental health. None of my coworkers or superiors knew about my situation; at the time I was afraid to show any signs of a mental problem. While I was efficient, proactive, and collaborative, there were days where I became a liability. The lack of attention to my mental wellbeing became a problem in the workplace. It affected my punctuality, efficiency, and concentration to the point I flooded a sink.
Another personal example comes from the employment I had in Ecuador. This time I was open about having issues, even though I didn’t disclose them in their entirety. I talked about the situation I was going through with the illness of my mother and my mental health backstory. I was productive and hardworking, but the behavior from my bosses was still different. The company had to downsize personnel so I was laid off even when I was part of the sales department and switched to part-time. Was I disposable because of my situation? I am still left with the question but there is no easy answer.
The faultless yet unfeasible solution to this invisible wall would be to observe only the performance and efficiency of an employee before thinking of their background. It is a difficult characteristic to measure at face value because there is no method for predicting an employee’s behavior. There is no right or wrong answer because it is not a black or white problem. Situations are different for everyone based on culture, type of mental health problem, and requirements for the job.
A study was done by Janki Shankar, and 8 other authors, for Sage Publications where they interviewed employers of workers with mental illnesses. The study was done to observe what was their opinion on hiring people with mental health problems and what would cause them to change their opinion. There were workers who said that even after not being able to work with someone with mental health issues, they would still consider hiring someone and accommodating to be able to work while handling a mental health concern. Additionally, there were instances of employers having trouble with these types of workers even after accommodating them to be able to work properly. Some employees underperformed or caused problems which then meant they had to be terminated. There were still cases of these workers performing well and staying working with the company after review from their employers. It seems that there is no easy way out of the stigma but employers are realizing that there should not be an issue in the workplace if the person is able to adjust properly. So the question still stands. Is it a good idea to disclose your mental health problems considering the hindrance that it might be?
Change is slow but it doesn’t stop. There are more things to learn about coping mechanisms, workplace accommodations, and proper examples of boss-employee dynamics with workers with mental health problems. While, as a whole, we are becoming more aware of these types of problems that every person suffering from various forms of disorders, there is also the growing concern that things have been unfair for quite some time now.
There shouldn’t be people encouraging workers to stay in the position that they are in if they are underperforming because of a mental health situation. On the other hand, there shouldn’t exist a stigma to restrain workers from using our abilities on all the areas that would benefit from more people with specific abilities. Overall, the workplace will be a constant battle for mental well-being and some people might struggle more than others but it is our right to do something with the abilities, knowledge, and experience we were given. Sharing our story might bring about a change in perspective, but that has to be a personal decision; to bear the risk of others judging while becoming part of a more just, more open world.
Links:
https://www.webmd.com/depression/ss/slideshow-depression-celebs
https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1177/2158244014547880
